hikarinoniji

I hardly voice my feelings because I'm afraid I might hurt someone. However, lately I realize I have been hurting someone with that. Myself. It's time to change that and this is hopefully gonna help me.

Write a letter to each person listed. You don't have to add their name just your feelings about them and the subject mentioned. The person can be anyone from a real life friend, online people or even your favorite entertainer. Just write your feelings, it's good therapy for the mind, heart and soul. Express yourself.

Day one - your best friend
Day two - your crush
Day three - your parents
Day four - your sibling
Day five - your dreams
Day six - a stranger
Day seven - your ex/love/crush
Day eight - your favorite internet friend
Day nine - someone you wish you could meet
Day ten - someone you don't talk to as much as you’d like
Day eleven - someone deceased you wish you could talk to
Day twelve - someone you hate/caused you a lot of pain
Day thirteen - someone you wish would forgive you
Day fourteen - someone you drifted away from
Day fifteen - the person you miss the most
Day sixteen - someone that's not in your state/country
Day seventeen - someone from your childhood
Day eighteen - the person you wish you could be
Day nineteen - someone that pesters your mind, good or bad
Day twenty - the one that broke your heart the most
Day twenty one - someone you judged on first impression
Day twenty two - someone you want to give a second chance to
Day twenty three - the last person you kissed
Day twenty four - the person who gave you your favorite memory
Day twenty five - the person you know going through the hardest time
Day twenty six - the last person you made a pinky promise to
Day twenty seven - the friendliest person you knew for one day
Day twenty eight - someone that changed your life
Day twenty nine - the person you want to tell everything to but are afraid to
Day thirty - your reflection in the mirror

Dear Twerp,

I'm gonna try not to beat around the bush or sugarcoat things. We did that in the past and well... Look where we are now. Very far from where we want to be (or at least, I assume we are).

After reading your letter to me, I've been thinking of a reaction, a proper one that would get us somewhere but I failed to do so many times. At first I didn't know how I felt, then I felt guilty and at last I got mad. Mad at you for making me feel this guilty.
I'm pretty sure you didn't meant it to be, but your letter felt like an accusing finger. One that told me all I did to wrong you. As if the two years we've been friends did nothing but make you unhappy. I can't help it I'm big and barge into life with a great force. It's who I am and who I've always been. It protects me from so many things, because those who step over others will not be trampled themselves.

I'm sorry you have to put up with my flaws. I'm human. I have flaws. It's safe to say I have many of them, every single one making me into who I am. Saying you have to put up with them is like saying they are a burden to you, but I'll overlook that and say it's just a wrong choice of words. Because rather than putting up with them, wouldn't it be easier and better to just accept them?

Truthfully, the thing that I don't understand the most is your constant competing. I don't know if you have noticed it, but during your competing you always managed to put me down. My singing, my fandom, hell... Even my opinion. You have a way of putting them down to make yourself feel or look better. When you do that, I've been trying to laugh and shrug about it, but it hurts. As if you never wanted me to be good at anything. Or better. I don't know. All I know that it feels like you do everything to contradict me. When I like something, you either hate it will all your might or your trying to like it better. I don't get it, it confuses and frustrates me. In return you make me do the same, unwillingly. But I do it too. Causing frustration between both of us to grow, whether we want it or not.

Why do you keep your happiness inside? Family, things you have and I don't, things you can do... It doesn't hurt me, nor do I get jealous. Most of my friends still have their dad. Have a great relationship with their parents or siblings. They get everything they want. They are gorgeous.
It doesn't bother me. And it never will. I'm sure I have something (whatever that may be) that they don't have... And if they don't I still keep telling myself I have. Please don't hold back yourself while flailing about things that make you happy. I know I don't. And I get happy because tons of stuff so people have to bear with that flailing probably most of the time.

I think the thing that hurts me the most is that you've been dishonest with me. I trust easily and wholeheartedly and knowing you lied to me is painful and nearly unforgivable. Every relation in my life is based on trust and honesty and I hope you are willing to tell to me what exactly it is you lied about. Because I'd like to know. I want honesty and I think I deserve that too.
I can't be hurt by the truth as weird as that might sound. Because the truth simply is what it is... I can change it, change myself... I can't work with lies. It's the lies that hurt me. Not the truth. So please. Be honest with me, just like how I am with you now.

I must admit, when we met last week I have never felt so awkward around you. We were okay, but we were not. Actually, when I saw you I wanted to turn away and run because I had no idea what to do or say. I know it sounds cowardly, but to me it was a confrontation I had no idea how to handle. I still don't know how to handle it.
Actually, I was waiting for an apology.
I am still waiting for that apology.
Face to face. Not by letter, e-mail. IM or Twitter.
I know you're not good with talking, neither am I. But like this, things won't work out. Frustrations, annoyance, even anger maybe... It's all piling and bottling up. I see it in the way to speak to me on Twitter. I still annoy the crap out of you. And right now... Yeah. It's mutual. And without having a good conversation about it it most definitely won't go away. Simply because I'm not the person to let things rest. And neither are you.

You might annoy the crap out of me now and I might be kind of blunt in this entry, but I'm willing to work this shit out. Because I in fact do remember the good things. From the first time we met to our last meeting where we watched Beatrock Love and laughed so hard I nearly cried. I want to remember those things, and make more memories that are alike. But not like this. Not without a decent talk. An apology.
Sometimes two people have to hurt each other before they can work things out and I think we need a good honest talk. The truth might hurt, but a lie stabs and kills.
And I don't want this friendship to die because of lies and unspoken things. We need to come clean. For real.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a letter that's pointing fingers. Nor one that tries to make me look like a saint, because God knows I'm not. But it is an honest one. Because I'm sick and tired of keeping my mouth shut afraid that I might lose this friendship if I don't. Sugarcoating, beating around the bush, not telling each other things afraid to hurt the other. We've been there. Done that. And it didn't work. It's exactly those things that are ruining it. Because sometimes you just have to be painfully honest.

I'm willing to be the bitch here and I'm willing to say what I think now. Because I think the truth is the only thing that can save our friendship from here. Because I know I am willing to do whatever it takes to save it. Because how many times haven't we told each other that we're stuck with the other? I can't even count it. Then let's show it. That we are stuck with each other. No more lies. No more keeping our feelings to ourselves. Just let it out once and for all.

For real. In real life.

You know where to find me. We can figure something out. I can give you time, but give me the same. It's not about being worthy each other, it's about accepting the persons we are.

I'm sure we can do that.

- Archieより